When I was seven months pregnant with Wrigley, we had just moved back to Minnesota and were living in Minneapolis near Lake Calhoun.
I went out for a long walk around the lake one afternoon after work, and remember seeing this mom with three little kids, no older than six, walking in a line behind her.
The second I saw them, I thought to myself – that is what I want. That is exactly what I want from this life. To be a mom and to have my three little ducklings walking behind me.
I remember telling Dan about what I saw on my walk, and the thought I had surrounding the size of our family. Danny just laughed and smiled at me. We never did know if having two kids or five kids was what we wanted from life.
This afternoon as I was sitting in bed nursing Camden, rubbing Wrigley’s back – waiting to hear his breathing slow to let me know he was asleep, with Parker asleep in the next room, it dawned on me – here we are, me and my three little ducklings.
This week was so incredibly difficult.
Dan is back to work full-time, I started back up working my part-time role from home, Wrigley is sick, and Parker is working on his two-year molars.
I felt like I was being pulled in 7,000 directions every second of the day. I felt like no one was getting what they needed from me. I felt alone. I felt overwhelmed. I felt jealousy and frustration.
But on Thursday I admitted all these feelings to Dan, owned up to where I was at, and told him I needed to leave for a bit of me time. So I nursed Camden and headed out for an hour.
And I thought about it all, and how I was feeling, and landed on a few things.
This is ok. And I am ok. And we are all ok.
In fact, we are better than ok, we are good. We are very blessed with what we have and where life has brought us. This all doesn’t need to be perfect, and things don’t need to operate with great fluidity.
While it all feels like some complex jigsaw right now, it isn’t. And what may feel like only a little and not enough, is actually a lot to the kids and is providing them with what they need.
I don’t want to look at this chapter in life and think we will get through this. I want to be in the thick of it and enjoy it all. Life with my three little ducklings. Just as I had hoped for.
On a related note, a family member who I greatly look up to, sent me a text saying, “life is always somewhat chaotic. It ebbs and flows, but it is our perception of the chaos that either burdens us or enlightens us.”
Words I plan to focus on in the week ahead.